And I Know Its Not Meant to Be You Turned to a Memory You Said You Would Ride for Me

Dear songs are where we get our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.

Goose egg good can come up of this. Photo by Achim Voss/Flickr.

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Throughout human history, oceans take been crossed, mountains accept been scaled, and great families have blossomed — all considering of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.

On the other hand, that time you lot told that girl you simply started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love song. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she all of a sudden decided to "lose your number" and movement back to Milwaukee to "figure some stuff out."

"Information technology's merely, my mom. You know? And L.A. is so hot in the summer. And yes, my mom." Photo via iStock.

That time you lot held that nail box over your head outside your ex's business firm? You did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service afterwards, yous're even so not back together.

Love songs are keen. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire usa to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they requite us terrible, terrible ideas about how actual, real-life human relationships should work.

They're amazing. Then astonishing. And also terrible.

Hither are half dozen love songs that audio romantic merely aren't, and 1 song that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:

one. "God But Knows," by The Beach Boys

You can continue your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Go Arounds," and your "Assist me Rhondas."

When information technology comes to The Embankment Boys, "God Just Knows" is where information technology's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A landscape of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics e'er committed to the back of a surfboard.

Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.

Here's why information technology sounds romantic:

I may not always love you

Only long as there are stars higher up you

You lot never need to uncertainty information technology

I'll brand you so certain about information technology

God only knows what I'd be without you

If yous're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and non playing "God Only Knows" on your iPod, you should actually end and first over.

If you're lazily bumping a beach ball over a volleyball net and "God Merely Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the dorsum of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got yous to this point.

If you lot're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Only Knows," you are doing it wrong.

Hippies, probable on their way to a mud frolic. Photograph by Colin Davey/Getty Images.

It's a song that only feels like dearest. Pure dear. Young dear. Love with a arctic, kelp-y vibe.

What could exist incorrect with that?

Here's why it's actually really, actually unromantic:

At that place's null wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-top notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their hair as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.

"Miles Ryan stood on the back porch of his house, smoking a cigarette..." Photo past hatchettebookgroup.biz.

Just in that location is such a thing as loving someone a skosh too much.

If you should ever go out me

Though life would still keep believe me

The earth could show nothing to me

So what good would living exercise me?

Look, I get it. Breakups suck. There's no getting around that. But good God.

There's a huge departure between maxim: "Hey babe, you are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if you become." And saying: "Welp, you lot accepted that chore in Seattle, so I'grand simply gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call information technology a life."

But that'south pretty much the gist hither. Which makes this line...

God only knows what I'd be without y'all

...horror-movie creepy. Because the answer, manifestly, is: "I'd exist a corpse!"

Ah well. We had a skillful run. Photo via iStock.

That's non beloved. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It's a course of emotional abuse.

Investing all your happiness and sense of self-worth in whatever relationship — one that, by definition, might one day end — is putting a lot of eggs in one basket. Sure, God may only know what you'd be without her, only God probably also hopes you have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga class. Google some woodworking videos. Try kite surfing.

"Aye! Hell aye! What was her name again?" Photograph by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.

One person cannot be anyone'due south be-all and end-all. It's as well stressful. And information technology prevents you from doing you, which is a thing that's gotta be washed before you can do anything else.

No wonder she took that chore in Seattle.

2. "Treasure," past Bruno Mars

Sure, it's a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson vocal you've always heard. Simply, we don't take Michael Jackson anymore, and as tribute acts go, you could do a lot worse than Bruno Mars.

Look at that face. That confront! Photograph past Brothers Le/Flickr.

Here'due south why the song sounds romantic:

Treasure, that is what yous are

Honey, y'all're my gold star

You know you can brand my wish come true

If you let me treasure you

If y'all let me treasure you

Pass those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-grade make-out political party and you'll likely get an instant price laissez passer on the highway to tongue-town (ew).

Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date night is going to culminate in 47 minutes of celibate-yet-passionate frenching.

Pass them to a cop who pulls you lot over for running a stop sign, and they will think you're weird — but probably all the same brand out with you.

In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.

This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you lot're on stage with Michelle Obama. Photo by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.

And I'one thousand OK with that.

But, here's why "Treasure" isn't as romantic as it seems:

Everything most "Treasure" is retro. Everything.

Including its attitudes most gender.

"Children, have I e'er told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the offset fourth dimension nosotros met?" Photo by Jacobsen/Getty Images.

Things start to go south right from the very beginning:

Requite me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby

I gotta tell you lot a little something almost yourself

Ah yeah. Null screams "respect" quite like a human being lecturing a strange woman on the street about something she "doesn't know about herself."

What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could information technology be that she's got something in her teeth? Could it be that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?

"Thanks for teaching me all virtually Martin Luther's bible!" Photo past Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.

Spoiler Alert: Information technology's none of those.

You lot're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady

But you walk around hither like you wanna be someone else

Oh. It's that she's sexy. Cool, bro. Very original.

Word of communication? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she's sexy. Even if she doesn't, information technology really doesn't bear on her day-to-day and so much that yous, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (fifty-fifty over a funky disco snare).

So what if she does want to exist someone else? I'd honey to be someone else! I think existence Ryan Gosling would be quite dainty. A adept manner to spend a three-day weekend.

Sure, there'd be an adjustment period... Photo by Eamonn M. McCormack/Getty Images.

And so later, of course, the narrator can't assist himself:

Pretty girl, pretty daughter, pretty girl, yous should exist smiling

A daughter like you should never wait and then blue.

He respects her so much, he'due south really direct-upwardly telling her to smiling! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "striking [their] hallelujah." Which, you lot know, I estimate everybody'southward got a matter.

Yes, in the globe of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said adult female being and then totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."

He so proceeds to talk to his potential lover like the world's creepiest pirate:

You are my treasure, you are my treasure

You lot are my treasure, yep, you, you, you, you are

You are my treasure, y'all are my treasure

Yous are my treasure, yeah, you lot, you, you, you are

By this point, in his mind, she's a literal thing. An object. Which is plumbing fixtures.

I suppose information technology could be worse, though. At least she's not only whatever thing.

GIF from "The 2 Towers."

That'due south ... something, correct?

3. "Don't Remember Twice, It'south All Right," by Bob Dylan

For as long every bit humans accept been dating each other, humans have been breaking up with each other. And "Don't Think Twice" is a portrait of a human relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, audio-visual flames.

Bob Dylan, a guy who is practiced at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo past William Lovelace/Getty Images.

Hither'south why it sounds romantic:

Well, it ain't no apply to sit down and wonder why, babe

Even you don't know past now

And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe

Information technology'll never do somehow

When your rooster crows at the interruption of dawn

Look out your window, and I'll be gone

You're the reason I'm a-traveling on

Just don't think twice, information technology's all right.

Boom. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits state of affairs like whoa.

"Don't Remember Twice" is a raw song. An honest song. A powerful song. It'due south the vocal your older sis played on continuous loop for six months after her young man left for college. The song that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to exit her bank-teller job, load her four Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chime shop in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your high school band over to his apartment to jam.

"What timbre are you lot looking for?" Photograph past Sharon Ang/Pixabay.

Certain, information technology'southward nearly the end of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the terminate of the day, shouldn't that be plenty?

Hither'south why information technology'south actually sooooo messed upward:

Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while in that location is no right way to call it quits with someone, when the dust settles, both parties can certainly do good from a difficult, honest give-and-take about what went wrong.

It's not me, Joan. Information technology's you. 100% you. Photo by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.

In "Don't Recall Twice," that word basically boils down to: "It'due south your error."

Let'southward review the reasons the dude in "Don't Call back Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:

I gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul

Ugh, women, right? You lot're all similar, "Infant, I just have so much unspecified love to give," and she's like, "Take out the trash!" And you're like, "Merely baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my center exist enough?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole business firm, fed the dog, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the calendar week. All I demand you lot to do is take out the trash." And you lot're similar, "You're bumming me out. I'm gonna go play guitar." And so she gets all mad! What did you practice? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!

You lot could have done improve, but I don't listen

Yeah. Y'all do mind! You heed! You wrote a song about it, you passive-aggressive prick.

You but kinda wasted my precious fourth dimension

Ah yes. Your time is and then precious! Recollect near all the hours yous wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of homo partnership when y'all could have been futzing around with that home-brew kit.

Yes, this was worth information technology. Photo past Bill Bradford/Flickr.

The minute y'all start breaking it down, the bulletin of "Don't Call up Twice" suddenly starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister's ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in boondocks for a while and now might exist in jail. Similar your aunt'due south wind chime shop, which would take closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Like your friend's absurd dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.

"Y'all kids want a beer? No one'southward nether 13, right?" Photograph via iStock.

Oh yes, and the song'southward narrator also betoken-blank refers adult female he's leaving as:

A child, I'm told

That's correct. In addition to being a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive wiggle — turns out, he's also mayhap a pedophile.

Even if we are to have that this is a metaphor and she's not actually a child — which at that place's no indication information technology is, but OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson here would willingly choose an immature partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.

Breaking up with anyone in such a vicious, dismissive mode is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.

Which, I suppose, may be the betoken.

4. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver

Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a behemothic aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?

This guy. Photo by Hughes Tv set Network/Wikimedia Commons.

Here's why information technology sounds romantic:

"Leaving on a Jet Plane" is a lovely vocal. And impressive in its loveliness because jet planes were notwithstanding kind of new at the time information technology was written.

'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane

To a modern ear, this would exist sort of similar singing, "I'm a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," only in a manner that'southward somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-twelvemonth-olds at summer camp. Non easy to exercise!

Oh babe, I hate to go

You come across — he hates to get! He merely hates it! We know this, considering he tells united states of america he hates it. And why would he hate to become if he didn't honey his partner merely that much?

See ya! Photo by Altair78/Wikimedia Commons.

Why indeed?

Here'due south why it'south actually non that romantic at all:

All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world tin can merely distract so much from the fact that the song's chief grapheme is well, kind of a jerkweed.

And in reality — surprise surprise! — information technology doesn't really seem like he hates being away all that much:

There's and then many times I've allow you lot down

Then many times I've played effectually

I tell you now, they don't mean a matter

"Baby, I hope! All the movies I watched alone while y'all were home nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Like, I had a fantastic time. But rest bodacious — completely empty, in an ontological sense."

"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.

Aye, when y'all break it downward, "Leaving on a Jet Airplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "good" despite all prove to the contrary.

And for all he claims to be broken up about having to part from his one and but, the dude seems pretty excited nearly the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet plane, are you? Are y'all Zone 1? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad yous were forced to choke down as you sat waiting to embark on your fun, mysterious adventure?

"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.

He continues:

Ev'ry place I become, I'll think of you

Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for you

Ah cool. He'll think most her while strumming and making "my honey is fragile as the morning dew" optics at a waif-y grad pupil in the front row. That pretty much makes up for it all.

Then he demands:

And then osculation me and grinning for me

Tell me that you'll wait for me

After all the expose and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who tin can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to wait? To wait for him?

And here's the kicker:

When I come back, I'll bring your wedding band

Ah yeah. He'll put a ring on it. Finally.

"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.

Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family bank business relationship, and just been a general screwup and disappointment.

Simply aye. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.

I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.

5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge

When you look upwardly "soul" in the dictionary, the book plays you a recording of this song.

Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo by Gene Pugh/Flickr.

Specifically, information technology plays you the very first line.

Here's why it sound very romantic:

When a man loves a woman

Certain, you tin can write the lyrics down, but information technology doesn't even come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious pain-belting:

WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN

Closer ... just still no.

WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!

Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!

It'southward an elemental lyric.

Information technology'southward a eye-shattering lyric.

It's a lyric that demands you put your back into it.

It's perfection.

Every bit long as you don't keep listening.

Here's why the song is really pretty horrifying:

From the opening lines of "When a Human being Loves a Adult female," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.

Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?

He'd surrender all his comforts

And sleep out in the rain

If she said that's the way

It ought to be.

Whoa! OK. No. Back upwardly. A man, no affair how devoted, no thing how selfless, no thing how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man will dice of exposure and hypothermia.

Turn his back on his best friend if he put her down.

No! Jeez. No. A man can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A homo needs friends! One time a human being'due south whole back up system erodes out from under him, a homo will exist bitter, ungrounded, and lonely. And a human'south mental health volition deteriorate.

I gave y'all everything I take

Tryin' to hold on to your heartless dearest

Baby, please don't treat me bad.

This is non what happens "when a human being loves a woman." Information technology'southward what happens when a man loves a decision-making, manipulative woman. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, only loves a woman. Herself.

"It's Chris or me." Photograph past geralt/Pixabay.

And that's not healthy.

Run, Percy Sledge, run! We're here for y'all.

(Side annotation: Lest information technology go unsaid, there is way more ane style for a man to love a woman. Maybe they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Perchance they slumber in separate bedrooms. Possibly they dress up in large, costly cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a human, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a adult female loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)

Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there's no ane-size-fits-all love solution. Every relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. At that place's more than one way to skin a cat. A spoonful of saccharide helps the medicine become down.

It doesn't affair if it's the right metaphor, as long as it'southward a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.

Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek assistance! You can practise this! And if you lot always find yourself in a similar situation, please give these people a phone call.

6. "All I Wanna Do is Make Honey to You," Center

Honestly, Heart could sing a listing of the virtually popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/World'southward Best Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would brand me desire to bawl my optics out in the arms of a tall, dark stranger at the end of a pier.

This vocal is perfect. Yous should ever be listening to it. If yous're not listening to it at present, smack yourself in the face up and Google it. Information technology's only that important.

I am singing the phone book. You are weeping like a tiny infant. Photo past FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.

And then much passion. So much pain. So much pilus.

Here'southward why it sounds romantic:

Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson evangelize a primal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on World: picking upwardly an unnervingly bonny human being for one night of heed-bravado sexual activity and then releasing him back into the wild to os — only never quite as compellingly ever over again.

They sing:

It was a rainy night when he came into sight

Standing by the route, no umbrella, no coat

So I pulled up aslope and I offered him a ride

He accepted with a grinning and so we drove for a while

I don't accept to keep because you know what happens adjacent, and information technology's crawly.

"I just sit down in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photo by Rene Asmussen/Pexels.

Now, here's why this vocal is not romantic at all:

The human relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems too good to be true. And it is. Because it's not an equally loving ,or even every bit lusty, pairing at all.

It's a...

It'due south a...

Well. You lot know what information technology is:

Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo by Pikawil/Flickr.

For a while, things are bustling along just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous affair should:

I didn't ask him his name, this alone boy in the rain

Fate, tell me it'south right, is this beloved at first sight?

Sure, many of us might hesitate to pick up a foreign leather-jacket-clad man standing on the side of the route for a no-strings-fastened spiral, but our narrator just has a feeling almost this guy, and sometimes, y'all gotta become with your gut.

I can respect that.

We made magic that dark

He did everything right

Peachy! Seems similar it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.

Only and so, without warning, the vocal starts to sound less similar an all-fourth dimension smashing romance and more like a story men's rights activists tell each other equally they vape around a campfire:

I told him "I am the flower, you lot are the seed

We walked in the garden, nosotros planted a tree

Don't try to observe me, please don't you dare

Just live in my memory, you'll ever be there"

I'm non a poet. Symbolic language often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly hateful wildly dissimilar things in the context of human being reproduction than they have since sexual practice was start invented in the early-1970s, we're talking nearly a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!

Hullo! Photo by Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Commons.

Of class, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else past that."

To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:

Then information technology happened one solar day

We came round the aforementioned way

You can imagine his surprise

When he saw his own eyes

There are two possibilities here.

1: The narrator of the vocal is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from nine years agone:

Photo by eyedonation.org.

Or two: She totally bamboozled a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.

I said, "Delight, please understand

Ah, sure. Yes. No worries.

I'one thousand in beloved with another man

Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not i just two lives.

And what he couldn't give me, oh, no

Was the one piffling thing that you can"

A HUMAN LIFE! A REAL SENTIENT Human being LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!

The best y'all can say almost that is that it'south not technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should have been responsible for his own nascence command. Or, at the very least, asked more than questions .

Only ... it's non cute. It'south not romantic (fifty-fifty the Wilson sisters themselves agree).

And at the stop of the day, the shadiest grapheme in this song is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the nighttime.

Which... is maxim something.

But there is a honey song that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a ocean of problematic faves.

A song that does everything right.

A song that paints a portrait of a salubrious partnership congenital to last.

A vocal that can double equally a transmission for the ideal human romantic human relationship.

And that song is...

"Processed Shop," past 50 Cent, featuring Olivia

Hither's why you might be — OK, nearly definitely are — skeptical:

50 Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photograph by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

As catchy as "Candy Store" is, as fun it is to dance to, and as cathartic as it can be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity house at 2 a.chiliad., there's no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:

I'll have you to the processed shop

I'll let y'all lick the lollipop

I'll post that again, in case yous missed some of the dash:

I'll have y'all to the candy shop

I'll allow you lick the lollipop

Way to take one for the team, narrator of "Candy Store"!

At first glance, "Processed Shop" is nobody'due south idea of a classic love song.

The lyrics are ... unusually forward. The beat is kinda basic. The claw is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily past in "Homeland."

OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."

Information technology doesn't get played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Like watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.

It's not a vocal you'd put on a mixtape for your crush. It'southward not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at domicile with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear up the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It's certainly not a song you'd include on the video photo montage yous made for your grandparents' argent anniversary.

It's just not.

But it should be.

So here it is. Hither's why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is really the perfect human relationship vocal:

You wanna dorsum that thing upwardly or should I push up on it? Photograph by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.

The bass pulsate hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission sideslip. It'southward merely been 20 seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang it up with "Candy Store."

But then ... over the foursquare thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the course of a female vocalism joining the runway, cutting through the din like a clarion call.

She sings:

I'll take you to the candy shop (yeah)

Boy, one gustation of what I got (uh-huh)

I'll have you spendin' all you got (come on)

Keep going 'til yous hit the spot, whoa

It's mutual! Information technology's mutual! They're performing oral sexual activity on each other!

Ring the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!

Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz w/Flickr.

fifty Cent himself may not be the world's greatest partner — for instance, according to ane of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.

But the narrator of "Candy Shop"? He gets information technology:

You could have it your way, how do y'all desire it?

Rather than simply imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Only Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'chiliad going to treat you like a chest full of gilt doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," ("I'm going to fob you into knocking me up!") — the "Processed Shop" guy actually asks his partner what she wants.

Which, in the world of popular music, is good for about l,000 trillion points.

And where are they going to practice it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?

It's whatsoever you're into

'Crusade consent is sexy!

I ain't finished teaching you lot 'tour how sprung I got ya

The narrator of "Candy Shop" is certainly ... assertive about his desires.

But here'southward the key thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She'south clearly into information technology. And we know this because she says so.

The lines of consent in "Processed Shop" are bright red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky order floor.

Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is exterior trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.

Girl what we do ...

And where we do ...

The things we practise ...

Are just betwixt me and you

No matter how nasty they freak, it will be intimate. Information technology volition be private. In that location will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).

If you lot exist a nympho, I'll be a nympho

Sexual compatibility is central to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very perchance in the example of "Candy Shop") minutes long.

She may accept a high sexual practice drive, just dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids merely might go the distance after all.

And at the end of the twenty-four hours, what is a relationship but ii nymphos, sharing wellness insurance?

Thanks, Obamacare! Photograph by Wonderlane/Flickr.

It's like it'south a race who could get undressed quicker

Again, everybody is having a smashing time. And, critically, an equally great time.

I touch the right spot at the correct fourth dimension

Of course, it wouldn't exist a popular/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random braggadocio, but if we're to have him at his discussion, "Candy Shop" guy is at to the lowest degree as practiced at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Honey to Y'all" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.

The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he's not a hero or a stranger in the night or a funky, shimmering love god. He'due south a expert partner.

"Processed Store" is raunchy. It's dirty. It'south not your grandmother'south love song.

Simply when yous strip abroad the swagger, the back crush, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Middle Eastern Music 1993," by the finish of the vocal, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy human relationship is all about?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

Photograph by Francois Durand/Getty Images.

So seductive.

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Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is

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